Friday, January 04, 2008

I'm Still Here

You might have noticed that I've been around even less that usual.

In fact, I took a month off to see if I actually wanted to continue blogging and suss out what my possible reasons for continuing might be. I wasn't sure I wanted to share every hue and cry, every sigh and whimper that my aching psyche endured last year.

Having successfully ridden my wave to shore these past several years, I made landfall most ungracefully, skidding and bumping my way across a rocky coast. It has not been pleasant. I've had to learn to undo many of the social and behavioral traits I developed over the past forty years and suck up a few hard lessons along the way. Old dogs can learn new tricks; they mostly don't want to. However, sometimes they're forced to, and so, here we are.

I've been spending time trying to figure out just who I am at this point in my life and thinking ahead as to where and how I might want to live out the next 20 or so years if the fates are kind enough to allow me that much time.

Armistead Maupin has said: "Age is the last closet you come out of in the gay world. There are such gloomy visions of gay men aging. But if you worship beauty above all else, if you worship sex above all else, you're in trouble. If you're not working on your heart every second, you are going to have a very sad old age."

Now Armistead has a year or two on me, but I've never been anything if not precocious. And he's right. It is a painful process, akin to coming out all over again, but with considerably less stellar results. While I've not been one to worship sex and beauty, I have been known to use both to my advantage, at times. I'm well aware that those days are numbered, if not over. It wasn't easy leaving the dance floor, but I've done it, thinking I'd just try to find a good perch on the sidelines where I could still listen to the music and watch the other dancers cavort.

Tim watches, aware of what I'm going through. He's been a comfort to me when that was necessary; laughing with me when that was necessary, and cheering me on pretty much full time. We've been discussing plans for the next year and several years to come.

So here's one of them plans:

I'm going to give myself one last spin around the floor. I'll spend the spring pulling my act together, dropping some poundage, getting back to my work out. I'll do my level best to avoid the unopened and unused box of Just For Men (Real Black) that's been taunting me from my medicine cabinet for the past year. I've adjusted my level of expectation to almost nil. We'll have a bit more fun, then cede the floor to anyone who wants it. I can retire as an elder statesman and write my memoirs.

Aren't you glad you didn't have to go through the past couple of months with me?

Having said my piece, I am planning to continue with this blog. Perhaps more anecdotally, if that's even possible. Short pieces. Observations. Hopefully not about this old canard, either.

We shall see.

16 Comments:

Blogger Jeff said...

Welcome back!

Here's hoping 2008 is a little friendlier for you. When you do get around to publishing those memoirs (many years from now), expect to see me in line for a signed copy :).

9:37 PM  
Anonymous Ann Cabbage said...

I just came to your blog expecting not to see your new post, and to write the handsome Mark to say, "I miss your posts and I hope that there will be many more." Color hair or not. Have hair or not. You can become the icon for Timeless, Gracious Living. That's my plan. We're scant years apart. Lets show everyone just how easy adding years can seem... I'm rooting for you Mark Kane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:05 AM  
Blogger p.alan said...

We think alike Mark. I've recently posted an eerily similar entry. Hope your 2008 is great!

9:20 AM  
Anonymous DavePdx said...

Whew......was nervous I was going to loose another good read. Best for the new year.

11:52 AM  
Blogger wot58 said...

terrific blog! hell yeah it's depressing some of the time, realizing that you're time on the dance floor is over. but there are the good things about being over 40, or 50, or whatever age you thing "old" is. i feel a freedom i didn't have in my 20's and 30's. and that's nice. plus just to have made it this far, when many of my friends didn't make it. oh, nyc was glorious in the 70's i must say. and i love the memories. and i do still knock off a piece, here and there. after all, i'm not dead...keep up the good posting. i'm off to the gay health club. where there is a lot of action going on.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Will said...

I'm not certain of your current age but am certain that I've got at least a couple of years on you. Maupin had it right--work it properly and it just gets better and better. One thing to do is to develop even further the friendships you have with other gay men and walk out with them to whatever activities you pursue happily and with a "fuck age" attitude. Don't let gay society warehouse you and certainly don't warehouse yourself. You're too vital a man to do that!

11:03 AM  
Blogger Pete said...

Mark

2007 blew for everyone I know - but there seems to have been a lot of thinking about self and how to be a better person. I am glad you shared this with us.

Hope your 2008 is a happy one :)

10:23 AM  
Blogger David said...

If I had someone like Tim in my life, I wouldn't give a flying fuck about the dance floor and its opinions. I would think a well-matched partner is far more valuable than attracting random glances. I will leave the dance floor the moment I'm sure I don't have a reason to return.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Father Tony said...

You've got more than just one dance left in you.

Let go. That's what I did. I gave myself license to be absurd. I can now dump a whole box of Just for Men on my head and laugh at the mirror. Free at last.

It's how you do, not what you do.

10:22 PM  
Blogger Stash said...

Yay!

10:52 AM  
Blogger circleinasquare said...

Also yay!

1:50 PM  
Blogger Will said...

Father Tony has it right. As a gay career army friend who had the entire local top brass in attendance at his 20th anniversary with his boyfriend party said to me: "sweetheart, if you know how to work the system and you've got the balls, you can do whatever the fuck you want!"

2:16 PM  
Blogger Ice John's World said...

Happy new year and welcome back! Always a pleasure to read any new post from you.

5:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to read more about you acting out in public, as described in "Pretty Hate Machine." I enjoyed that.

-FiP

11:13 AM  
Blogger seymour said...

Sweet man, never stop being you.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Supreme11 said...

Your post from oct 18 almost brought me to tears. keep it up and you don't look 53, you look HOT!

6:39 PM  

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