Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My Best Friend

I'd heard about Barry a while before I actually met him. This was inevitable, as I had succeeded him in a job, and he'd left quite an impression.

Barry was assistant to a fairly young and definitely high strung interior designer who was, at that moment, on the cusp of world renown. Somehow, Barry had always gravitated to jobs that seemed glamorous, but, in the long run, required major grunt work for rather low salaries. By the time he'd figured out that he could make two or three times the money as a tuxedoed waiter at one of Manhattan's many upscale steak houses, I was interviewing for the position.

Me? Well, I'd been working in some of the more established design houses in New York, but with my unerring sense of downward mobility had taken to looking for a position with a smaller firm, where I'd have an opportunity to study the business at extremely close proximity.

I took the new job as soon as it was offered, and was sorry almost instantly. My new employer immediately made clear his notion that I was a young, spoiled Jewish boy. His secret nickname for me was Private Judy Benjamin. He was completely shocked when he found out I'd been with Robert for several years. He'd entertained sexual fantasies about him since the days Robert managed a D & D Building showroom, dressed in torn jeans, a studded motorcycle belt, boots, and any number of my pearl-buttoned western shirts. I began to suspect my predecessor had fled for his life.

I was sitting, rather heavy-hearted, in the empty office one morning, when Barry called and asked if he could stop by. I'd never met him, just heard how charming he was from our various clients, as they'd eye me balefully. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous.

When I opened the door of our tiny Sutton Place office, I was confronted by a tan young man, taller than me, with curly black hairy and a radiant, disarming smile. He greeted me as if we'd already met and walked in. Picking up a package that had been left for him, he settled himself in and began to tell me about the camping vacation on Tortola that he and his now ex-boyfriend had just returned from. He pulled out a packet of photographs, laughing ruefully about the relationship that had fallen apart during the course of the camping trip. I perused the pictures, admiring the dark happy people amidst the palm trees and brightly colored tents, until I came across a photo of a scowling gentleman and gasped, "That's him!!". Barry laughed, and I realized I had to explain myself.

For years, since we'd moved to 12th Street, I would run into this same man, tall, built, darkly handsome. In the early throes of my captive relationship with Robert, I was supremely retarded in terms of dealing with other men I was sexually attracted to. I would stare, hard, at this man, wanting him badly every time I saw him. He, in turn, would smile broadly and wink. I was always to shy to speak to him. Barry explained that this was Bill, the man he'd just split with.

It turned out that Barry lived around the corner to the north of me. Bill lived around the corner in the opposite direction. I sheepishly told Barry my story, while he laughed. He'd seen Robert and I around the neighborhood; wondered who we were. We talked very easily for almost two hours and then I invited him to dinner the next night.

He showed up that evening complete with his personal version of a perfect hostess gift: three Quaaludes. He'd thought my invitation was for a three-way, not an actual dinner. But we took the pills and I fed him Fettucini Alfredo, as we drank wine and laughed and collapsed in a large sodden puddle. At some point, the conversation turned to hair gel, and we discussed the latest French fixative, Tenax, which was just then gaining popularity. In our stumbling state, it was decided that we test the Tenax against Barry's unruly curls. Tenax was a terrible product, full of alcohol, that dried to a hard, brittle sheen and then crumbled into a whitish powder not unlike dandruff. The entire effect was completely unpleasant. I took Barry by the hand into my kitchen and washed his hair under the faucets. When he came up for air, he showed me how aroused he was. I smiled as Robert walked in. In those days, it was not to be. Robert would not have allowed it.

In spite of, or because of this, Barry and I became fast friends, best friends, completely integrating the other into the private menageries we both maintained. In those pre-NYU dorm days, I had a clear and unimpeded view of Third Avenue from my terrace door. The street scene was not unlike Edward Hopper's "Sunday Morning", and I would often play the Velvet Underground song of the same name, sending both echo and jangle down to the pavement below. To my consternation, Barry learned to spy me from the street and would yell out my name from half a block away. I'd be pulled out of some smoky reverie to find Barry hollering my name off the roof top of his building. I broke him of this habit very quickly.

We spent every weekend together, cooped in our living room, playing music, smoking, laughing and drinking until Robert got restive and Barry took his cue to leave. We'd listen to Johnny "Guitar" Watson's "A Real Mutha for Ya", Michael Frank's "Passionfruit", the first two DeBarge albums, no end of Prince and a lot of Pat Metheny. In later years, Barry was highly appreciative of my ability to mix Scritti Politti's "Flesh & Blood" with Wham's "Everything She Wants".

We raced around town for years, met each other's families and friends, and were, in short, inseparable. When Barry met Arthur, his future partner, I felt completely threatened. I was sure that Arthur would somehow spirit Barry away from me. In point of fact, he did; first moving him to the Upper West Side, then installing him in the glamour job he'd always wanted, as a video editor with a production house that was creating the majority of what one was seeing on MTV and Saturday Night Live. On weekends, they'd head off to Arthur's upstate farmhouse. I rebelled, I yelled, I carried on like a spurned lover. But in the end, our friendship somehow endured. We thought our friendship invincible. We'd go up to the farmhouse for long weekends of swimming, cooking and laughing.

In 1985, both Barry and I were feeling run down. I'd been through a few years of Robert's illness by that time, Barry by my side. He sat with me while Robert suffered through several operations, rode the trains with me up to 168th Street to visit him, and kept me company on the nights I was alone while Robert was hospitalized. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders; Barry just felt lousy. We both went to the doctor together; a fancy Park Avenue physician that Arthur had recommended, with a waiting room full of Early American antiques and stacks of glossy shelter magazines. We both were given full work-ups.

In the week that followed, its was acknowledged that I was indeed run-down, and confirmed that Barry had a slight case of pneumonia. Robert and I agreed to rendezvous at his West Side apartment, hoping against the worst. We found Barry reclining on the American Empire fainting couch that Arthur had bestowed on him, looking and acting like a robust Camille. He had chores for us. I was to hook up his new stereo speakers, Robert was to cook dinner. Barry had a surprise for us. He handed each of us a small white pill. It was that brand new concoction, Ecstasy, and he could think of no better time to try it. Robert hit the kitchen and was soon frying chicken. I had the sound system up and running in almost no time. We sat together, huddled in a battered little group, none of us daring to put our worst fear into words.

Barry recovered and went back to work. He and Arthur started taking trips, following Robert and I to Key West, heading out to Los Angeles to visit Arthur's big-time TV producer friends in the hills of BelAir. The glamorous life he'd always desired was his. Arthur purchased a snow white vintage Mercedes convertible, upholstered in lipstick red leather. I called it his Debra Paget car, which he took umbrage to, but Barry loved driving it.

Of course, Barry was hospitalized again. This time, after a hateful bronchoscopy that left him ragged, it was determined that he was indeed suffering from Pneumocystis Carinii. Our worst fears confirmed. Barry and I sat in his private room, joking about the fact that Sunny von Bulow was comatose on the floor below him. We carefully brushed the subject of his illness, and I asked how he was dealing. He shrugged. He'd been expecting it for years. He would be starting a course of the only drugs they had at that point; the toxic, hateful poisons we had all our hope invested in. I expressed hope. He shrugged again.

We spent the time we could, running from pillar to post, stopping now and then when he was hospitalized with yet another ailment, or when the drugs he was given sickened him. We talked constantly. We made plans; plans for trips, and plans for parties, and plans to continue making plans. We were warding off the inevitable.

I started writing a book that last summer. It was called "See How We Are", and it was to be a document of those years. I pretty much disposed of it at the end of the decade, so tainted and grim, I couldn't bear to have it in my house. But the chapter names, found on a musty yellowed index card recently, are redolent of those awful days:

The Hall of Mirrors
Sunset at the Reservoir
Natasha Kinski Cocktail
Geronimo Contemplates the Waves at St. Augustine

The Hall of Mirrors refers to the AIDS wards one walked through then, seemingly identical rooms of quarantined young men, wasting away, alone. Sunset at the Reservoir refers to a conversation that Barry and I had as we strolled around the Ashokan Reservoir on a late summer afternoon. We discussed life after death, and the fact that if any two people would be able to communicate beyond the grave, it would be us. We talked about how John Lennon had told his young son Sean to look for a white feather falling from the sky, and that would be him. Barry and I tried to work out our own signal. Natasha Kinski Cocktail recalls the evening, not long after Barry's death, that I spent with his long-ago boyfriend, Bill. Bill and I had long since become friends. Beautiful Bill, with his thigh wedged between my legs, explained to me why he would no longer have sex, never again, with anyone, all the while drinking a club soda under a poster of a nude Miss Kinski and her overly friendly python. I stared into his eyes and tried not to study the lesions on his face. The last chapter refers to a vanquished, beaten man, his home destroyed, his people forced to suffer and die before him.

Towards the end of that summer, the lethal combination of Barry's disintegrating immune system and the toxic drugs he was given conspired to make appear as if he was fading away. His features became less distinct, his coloring seemed a careless blur. Though he never seemed to waste away like so many of the young men we saw, he became a colorless copy of the man I knew. He quietly told me that he'd had this idea that driving that Mercedes would change his life. And it hadn't. In the long run, it had meant nothing at all.

As the summer ended, I received the call I'd been dreading for two years. Barry had suffered a major stroke, leaving his one side of his body completely paralyzed. I ran to the hospital, finding him barely able to speak, his face twisted, Arthur pale and staunch at his side. I was heartbroken leaving the hospital that night.

Arthur called me some days later to let me know that Barry had stayed pretty much coherent, fighting to the end. On his last day, he waited until Arthur, stuck in traffic, arrived at the hospital before he left us.

Barry died on October 1, 1987 at the age of 28.

I started writing this piece two weeks ago, with the idea to post it as a tribute to my friend on the 19th annivesary of the day he died. I've been struggling with it since. I'm not happy with it. I don't like the tone; it doesn't convey our life, the humor, laughter, the sadness and pain of that time. I'm just not able to capture the very essence of Barry, in the much same way I can't remember the sound of his voice, no matter how hard I try.

To date, Barry has not sent me our pre-arranged signal.

I still wait.

49 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe he has decided a signal would make things too easy for you.
after all, life is about lessons to learn. i'm sorry about your beautiful friend. i think reading this as a stranger to both of you-you have spoken of him with love and it comes through. peace

1:21 AM  
Blogger Joe.My.God. said...

Just lovely, Mark. Thank you.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Will said...

Mark, I cannot be in your head and know what you might have written, but I found a good measure of love and laughter and pain in what you actually did write. But for what brought him down, Barry sounds like one of those blessed people who have charm, talent, warmth and vibrant life put together in one irresistible package. Thank you for introducing him to us all, he was a beautiful man.

11:28 AM  
Anonymous mark said...

Words can never fully describe a person or an event that means so much to us. Only thing we can do is tell it the best way we know how. You had me in tears by the end of your post. You showed me how wonderful Barry was and your relationship. You showed me how tragically a wonderful person was taken.

These are the stories we all need to hear.

12:11 PM  
Blogger TonkaManOR said...

I think we all have stories like this...What bugs me is that this is part of our history and even though we can read it here............where can we leave life like this for future generations?

1:52 PM  
Blogger God of Biscuits said...

Of course only you can decide if you've conveyed an accurate tone, but it's up to each of us to decide if you've conveyed a compelling or effective one.

For myself, you take me back to so many moments with Allen, and after Allen, and after after-Allen, and those experiences fill in, perhaps, those things you seem to think are lacking in your post.

I've given up trying to capture the reality of what happened and instead find the ineffability of it to be proof of the magical.

Thank you for sharing this. It's going to stay with me for a good long while.

2:38 PM  
Blogger David said...

Barry died the day before I turned 21.

Stories like these help me understand, to some small extent, what I and my friends through a combination of dumb luck and fate did not go through.

Tell us more.

2:47 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

Thanks, Mark. Really.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Crash said...

That was beautiful, Mark.

3:05 PM  
Blogger palochi said...

I'm at a loss of words for anything that hasn't been said well enough here already. Thanks, indeed.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Nate The Great said...

WEll, you may not be satisfied with it, but it brought tears to my eyes, so I think it's well done, thank you.

5:02 PM  
Blogger MEK the Bear said...

It's still on its way Mark, wait for it.

5:23 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Beautiful story, love and man. Thank you.

9:29 PM  
Blogger seymour said...

So beautiful Mark. I'm honoured to be able to share your story. Thank you.

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After loosing someone close we all look for signs, I never got the chance to ask my someone for a sign but your story was lovely, lots of GULPS xx

9:01 AM  
Blogger Rey D said...

This story reminds me of a conversation I had with my partner a few weeks ago one warm evening while we were sitting in our backyard. I was looking at these two trees he had planted a couple of years earlier. They are unusual trees from China (I think) that have these strange white flowers in the spring that look like folded handkerchiefs. He planted them one next to the other to create some shade and give us some privacy, and in those two years, they had grown considerably.

And all of a sudden I felt very sad. I asked him which one of the trees was he, and which one was I. He said that he never thought about the trees as being us, but it that it didn't matter which one was who, but that we would be there for a long time after we're gone. He knew that the reason I felt so sad was because some day one of us will be left without the other, and if I was the one who survived, I wanted to be able to look at those trees twenty or thirty years from now and know that that he was still living in one of them.

So those trees will be the equivalent of his and my sign when one of us is gone.

Enough about me, let's talk about you: I think *your* writing is lovely! Even though we have apparently lead such completely different lives, I can always find pieces in your essays that somehow relate to my own life.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Blobby said...

One of the best posts I have read in the blogosphere. Great job Mark.

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. In a very small way, we keep people like Barry alive with us for as long as any of us remember them.

ptownnyc.livejournal.com

4:57 PM  
Blogger myke said...

it was as joe.my.god said ... just lovely ...

8:37 PM  
Blogger Pete said...

Beautiful, Thank You for sharing it with us.

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Foxy said...

Not to be cliche, but the ones who burned so bright in their lives are often the ones it's hardest to recall in their deaths.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous kitchenbeard said...

I think you should write that book.

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Shane said...

Ohhh, that was so nice. Absolutely beautiful writing. Thank you.

5:54 PM  
Blogger farmboyz said...

Thanks, Mark.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Bruce said...

Thanks, Mark. We need to read stories such as yours and remember. It is, however, a shame to limit its circulation to a circle of people who read gay blogs. The majority of straight America (and, of course our closeted brothers) need to hear stories like this, too.

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Stash said...

I think you should write that book.

Seconded.

The real tragedy is that people have become complacent in this modern era. Most don't know the horrors that went on as recently as ten, fifteen, twenty years ago.

If no one tells these stories, very few will know what occurred.

Keep telling them. Keep writing.

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bless you. Thank you for your courage in sharing this with us.
-Zandt.-

10:11 AM  
Blogger Eight Lives Left said...

That was beautiful. Write that book. The world needs to hear.

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Yasir said...

Wonderful! Left me speechless...

11:00 AM  
Anonymous Crixi Van Cheek said...

Sippur nechmad, trumah nedivah.

11:01 AM  
Blogger David said...

Thankyou for sharing that. Very moving.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Raybob said...

Thank you. That was beautiful.

11:30 AM  
Blogger circleinasquare said...

Your words beautifully, heartbreakingly, illuminate a history largely unknown to those of us who didn't live it. Please continue. xoe

12:25 PM  
Blogger Norskybear said...

Thanks for sharing your story. We all have stories like this inside of us, but very few can share it so eloquently.

12:46 PM  
Blogger BigAssBelle said...

my heart is broken . . .

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll add my cheers to the chorus. And the pictures are gorgeous! Keep them coming!

7:38 PM  
Blogger xiaomi said...

thank you again for sharing something so personal

8:25 PM  
Blogger Carl Simons Attorney at Law said...

10 years ago 9/26 my wonderful partner of 8.5 years, John Sicola died. God has now blessed me with another gift. Lee is 25, 17 years my Junior. 3.5 years ago, we met. Does he understand what those times were like and what we went through, no he does not; and God willing he never will. But when I mention those days, I see his respect, love and compassion. Not all twenty somethings are lost.

When I look at Lee, I see the future. And its so bright and brilliant....its blinding.

They didn't die in vein.

1:18 AM  
Blogger Oh Mike Odd said...

There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already. So I'll just say "Thank you" for sharing such a personal story. Those of us who have lost don't have to feel alone with our grief.

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love...Barry's tie;)

4:51 PM  
Anonymous matty said...

Thanks Mark.

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you for that...

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. I hope someone will write something like that about me when I'm gone. I can't imagine a better tribute.

This needs to be read by those who think the pandemic is over, or "manageable". The friends I've lost were different men from different places, but the pain is the same. It never becomes manageable. It just sits there, smiling quietly, until it's your time.

May his name be a blessing to you.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Cian said...

It sounds as though there may still be alot of pain for you. Maybe he is waiting for your signal. Love is, after all, Eternal.
Thank you for sharing such a personal & beautiful experience.

1:02 PM  
Blogger p.alan said...

Mark,
You may not feel you've expressed yourself well...but the tears flowing down my face say otherwise.

Thank you for giving this to us.

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will get your signal one day...

thank you.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your face in the photo tells it all......how you loved him.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Supreme11 said...

I forgot about those hallways and rooms with dying, alone men .....wow

9:22 AM  
Blogger Brick1101 said...

Beautifully written, thank you for sharing. This brings back many images for me, losing my partner back in 1992. These stories need to be told and retold. It is history.

10:58 AM  

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